Friday, February 05, 2010

Going through days when everything 'wrong' becomes 'right', and all the 'rights' become 'left'. 'Left' at some bay where I can't really reach.

I am fighting my disappointments in life. I am fighting the power which is making me cry. I am trying to justify the wrong decisions I made not knowing why I made them. I am sorry to have trusted the wrong people at the wrong times. I am sorry that I am what I am. I am sorry to have been so foolish, naive and stupid. Its all because I put my faith in people who had no good in mind for me. I repent for not being strong enough, not being smart enough to see this was coming. I should have been more selfish, more self centred, more independent, more stronger, more smarter but I was not and that is why I am here 'Sorry' about everything. I am sorry about my wrong judgement.

I wish I could scream my heart out. I wish I could cry it out at a stretch and get over with it. I am tired of this episodes of isolation, self denial, self crtiticism.

Yes, I admit I made a mistake of trusting the people in my life. I made a mistake not thinking of my own happiness. Its my fault I put others before me but whom I put before me put me as far as away from them and their decisions. Today I stand rejected, defeated and alone facing all this which happened because of my wrong judgement.

I don't know whom to trust and whom not to. I am blank. I feel like crying my heart out. I feel like letting it all go. My heart feels heavy with sadness and disappoinment. Where do i go from here? Where is my way out of all this? I need a way out before I break down completely. I need some peace badly.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I saw this on a good friends blog, and just playing along. Anyone is welcome to follow the same on their blogs. When I started writting this, it was just another blogpost but as I finished it, it seemed to me as if I was able to see the various objects in my life in a clearer manner. I felt that I answered certain questions which I would otherwise avoid thinking about. Try it too and let me know how it went ***

I’ve come to realize that my job... Is something I started for being independent. Today its my requirement. It has also made me see different angles of life, behavior and even people of all genres. I enjoy having something to look forward to when a day starts. Sometimes I even enjoy the deadlines and stress associated with it.(note:sometimes not always).

I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving... I usually think of things I need to complete during the rest of the day and I try to focus on things which are positive.

I’ve come to realize that I need... a hike in my salary, some quite moments to be myself and rediscover myself, and some good time to spend with friends long lost.

I’ve come to realize that I have lost... my smile, my ability to dream freely, to express my thoughts without thinking if I am right politically. I do feel bad for the last one but I think the world, and the majority of people appreciate that.

I’ve come to realize that I hate it when... I am not able to express what I feel, I am not in control of my anger, tears and feelings, I am accused wrongly.

I’ve come to realize that money... is important to me to quite an extent to lead a happy life but its equally important to cherish the things which comes with limited money and things which money can't really buy.

I’ve come to realize that certain people... don't change no matter what happens with them or around them. They never learn. Certain people are such gems that nothing can replace them.

I’ve come to realize that I’ll always... be what I am no matter what happens to me. I might get better in life or even worse but I am what I am. I will make sure I will be there for people who need me as always. I will be myself always.

I’ve come to realize that my sibling(sister)... uses me like her punching bag, ATM(any time money) and both are used on her own will and wish :).

I’ve come to realize that my mom... thinks I am still a kid who needs her to tell me the ways of how and what. She thinks I am vulnerable enough to be cheated and hurt by people.

I’ve come to realize that my cell phone... is something which keeps me a phone call away from people I love and I don't love too :)

I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning... that there are only 5 days to my marriage to be 3 years old.

I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep... many if's and but's to things and circumstances which could make my life a better one. Just that most of it I can't achieve on my own. I just need the support of one person.. My husband. I wish he could understand them..

I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking... of an important decision I need to take for myself. Something I have been putting off since last 3 months.

I’ve come to realize that my dad... is the most balanced and genuine person in my life, someone who moulded me to be what I am today. There are negatives but they are just the part of every person.

I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook... I try to do my own stuff. I love to connect with few people. Otherwise I am just another person there.

I’ve come to realize that today... I must do something for myself. What I am still thinking

I’ve come to realize that tonight... I will play with my daughter and rock her to sleep.

I’ve come to realize that tomorrow... I will have to chair a meeting for my team at work. So I have some preparations to do.

I’ve come to realize that I really want to... do a million things more before I die. To name a few, write a book on my life, get a PhD, do some social work etc etc

I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to re-post this is...  Molly

I’ve come to realize that life... has its own way for things. Life plays its game, there is nothing called fair or unfair. We just need to play along.

I’ve come to realize that this weekend... I am going to do some shopping. What am I going to buy is still a mystery

I’ve come to realize that my friends... are people who influence me alot. I have had all types of people as friends from good to bad. the biggest trouble for me is to say 'No'. I must learn to say this danger word when I really want to, even if it is for the best of friends.

I’ve come to realize that this year... is my chance to become the potential so many see in me, to reach some milestones in life, to do something worth which becomes a cherished memory for the future. God Help me..

I’ve come to realize that my husband... is the person who is still a mystery to me. I wish I could understand him better. I wish he was more of a predictable type. He keeps me guessing. I wish he changes that this year.

I’ve come to realize that maybe I should... be doing some work rather than blogging. LOL

I’ve come to realize that I love... my internet friends, rather everyone is my life has their own due importance.

I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand... the motives of some people. They are just so complicated. I wish I could keep them miles away.

I’ve come to realize my past... has happened, but by God's grace I am forgiven. I have learnt few things in a harder way but I guess certain things are better that way.

I’ve come to realize that parties... are not for me. I am not a party person but I enjoy the company of close friends on a quite evening.

I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified... by death of a loved one, lonliness, pain in any form physical or emotional, repeating the mistakes that I made in the past and of dying in pain.

I’ve come to realize that my life... is designed by a supreme power, he knows whats best for me and will never leave me in want. Its his way for me. I whole heartedly accept.

Monday, January 18, 2010

How many times does the thought come into my mind saying 'Don't', 'Careful', 'Don't take any chances' and still why don't I ever learn? Why is that I always surpress or ignore my inner voice? Why is that I don;y obey my own instincts? Why don't I believe in myself? Why Why Why !! I wish asking this why so many times could get me one simple answer. But it jus doesn't. May be they are at their own free will not to answer me.

Ok so now why am I again feeling betrayed and at loss? (As if this doesn't happen to me everyday) but still why this occassion and I am mentioning it here is because I again became a fool because I just didn't trust my inner self. I just shut them off saying "one more time please, just one more time let me take this chance of trusting this XYZ person." My faithful voice did tell me very clearly not to do so. They knew I would be back here with my woes. :(

Looks like this XYZ finds some pleasure in seeing me sad. I think XYZ finds some pleasure in doing so. But what kills me is that why is this XYZ having so much power to make me feel this way? Why can I not be happy no matter what others do? May be because I care so much for them, because I think no matter how much they hurt me they still are someone in my life. Whenever there comes some occassion in my life where I need to choose between keeping the person or throwing them away, I always choose to keep them. Sometime during my growing up some wise person told me once that "it takes less than a minute to cut off somebody from your life but it takes so much more time, effort and luck to find someone new to take that place." I choose to keep people in my life rather than throwing them away. I give them many chances, to be precise infinite chances. Finally all that comes out is few of these 'to be thrown people' never ever learn. They just take it as if its their birth right to have their own bloody way. I wish I could put some sense into them. I wish they really do change because I hate to loose them but may be I must first decide the breaking point for myself. Some people learn the harder way. There is also another side of me which says that if I finally throw someone out, there is no way back in. I just ditch the person never to look back again. Looking back at my life I find very very few people who have really fallen into that category(not even making it to 2 digit figure).

I know this post is one stupid one. But I had to vent it out. I hate people who are the reason for anyone to be sad or upset. Everyone needs to learn to 'live and let live'. I wish, I really wish that people in everyone's life learn this and the world is finally a happy place to live in.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Ok so I am back here. But I think this time I have soemthing really interesting to talk about. Starting with the topic of this post. This post will have questions coming into my head and yes the most important think the thought which made me write this post. Thank to my sister to bring this into my chain of thoughts.

So this is how all this started. While having the so called sister-sister catching up we talk about one of her friends who recently got married. My sister says "She really wants her marriage to work". So I ask like a some guru in all matters, "Show me one married woman who deosn't wish the same. Whats so great about that thought.". Answering my question and making me more curious my sister adds saying "She really wants to be a good wife". I say "who doesn't want to be the perfect spouse, man or woman for that matter want to be the perfect spouse matter". Well the conversation doesn't end there but I leave the the rest for later for this is where my thoughts originated from. The thoughts which made me think on many angles of my own life, of others around me, thinks I read of everyday and have in the past.

The first question which came to my mind was is that why is that we become so conscious of our relationships and why is that this thought always floats in the back of our heads that "this must be the 'perfect' relationship". Another question which came to my head is that what does it take to become the perfect spouse material? Is there a course offered somewhere, is there a study material we can follow, is there some sort of do's & dont's list written somewhere etc etc etc.

So trying to find answers to my own questions and ofcourse trying to express my own views on them :).

To my first question on becoming concsious of our own relationships. I think there is some law of nature or something that things fail when we take extra extra care. But when we are the least careful and casual things fall in their right places and works perfectly alright. I am not sure of others but atleast with me this is if not always atleast 90% of the times the case. This is something I have noticed at work, at home for some important function, some occassion and even in my day to day life. More of planning and getting into details fails severily.. :). May be its the same with our spouses also. We become overly conscious of what we talk, what we do, how we do etc etc. The reason being that we cannot bear the pain of anything goign wrong. With our parents we are just natural, with our sibblings we are what we are, we really don't care so much of the impression we create. Lucky are those who create such a attitude with theor spouses. But I am sure most of us fail and that is why we have this heart breaking fights and arguments and days of sulking thereafter. We just want to be the perfect spouse. But how many of us ever think after marriage that we need to be the perfect children, the perfect daughter-in-law, the perfect other so & so ? We rally don't because most of us attribute the success and failures of our personal self with our marriages. We really don't look at the broader picture. We take extra extra care for the things to so with our spouses, we get into the details and miss out on the broader view of things and at the end fail msierably. :) Thats the irony of the entire thing. The quote "harwork pays" miserably fails in this case. It doesn't really pay but makes us more self conscious.

So now that we know what the issue is, how do we go about to solve the problem? What do we do? I have a dozen of solutions and ways but the fact that how far it might be effective is yet another question. To me I am still not so experienced to comment on them. So leaving the forum open for further discussions or may be I could write some more posts on them. LOL

Coming to the next half of this post, what are the do's & don'ts we need to follow to become the best spouse material? You may not believe that I really did google for something worth to link it up here. :) I think if I run a survey of ask my friends(ofcourse married) for a few of the points I will end up with a huge list for which even a fresh roll of tissue paper will not be sufficient to come to an end of the list. I am sure we all have pur personal list of do's and don'ts to every relationship we have in our lives. And all I can say is this list is not formed in a day, it takes a lifetime to finally come up with a near to perfect list.

So here is something I want to tell the newly wedded couples and to the going-to-be wedded people out there. Do not be in a haste to make a list. Take your time, you have a lifetime ahead to finally come up with a draft. There is no hurry as there is no timelines set and there is noone to judge your list. Its your own and its your personal judgement which is the only thing which comes into picture. And yes, to the conscious part, not being conscious doesn't mean being careless. It means to take just the right amount of care. There is nothing called a perfect relationship, its just the way we visualise it. We set our own standards and work towards it. Its all in us to work around our own expecations and keep a check on them. The best thing is to be flexible and accept the chnages in our own standards and also in the spouse with a smile. And for the women folks out there, a personal tip, consider the fact that "unexpected always happens." :))