Friday, January 15, 2010
Ok so I am back here. But I think this time I have soemthing really interesting to talk about. Starting with the topic of this post. This post will have questions coming into my head and yes the most important think the thought which made me write this post. Thank to my sister to bring this into my chain of thoughts.
So this is how all this started. While having the so called sister-sister catching up we talk about one of her friends who recently got married. My sister says "She really wants her marriage to work". So I ask like a some guru in all matters, "Show me one married woman who deosn't wish the same. Whats so great about that thought.". Answering my question and making me more curious my sister adds saying "She really wants to be a good wife". I say "who doesn't want to be the perfect spouse, man or woman for that matter want to be the perfect spouse matter". Well the conversation doesn't end there but I leave the the rest for later for this is where my thoughts originated from. The thoughts which made me think on many angles of my own life, of others around me, thinks I read of everyday and have in the past.
The first question which came to my mind was is that why is that we become so conscious of our relationships and why is that this thought always floats in the back of our heads that "this must be the 'perfect' relationship". Another question which came to my head is that what does it take to become the perfect spouse material? Is there a course offered somewhere, is there a study material we can follow, is there some sort of do's & dont's list written somewhere etc etc etc.
So trying to find answers to my own questions and ofcourse trying to express my own views on them :).
To my first question on becoming concsious of our own relationships. I think there is some law of nature or something that things fail when we take extra extra care. But when we are the least careful and casual things fall in their right places and works perfectly alright. I am not sure of others but atleast with me this is if not always atleast 90% of the times the case. This is something I have noticed at work, at home for some important function, some occassion and even in my day to day life. More of planning and getting into details fails severily.. :). May be its the same with our spouses also. We become overly conscious of what we talk, what we do, how we do etc etc. The reason being that we cannot bear the pain of anything goign wrong. With our parents we are just natural, with our sibblings we are what we are, we really don't care so much of the impression we create. Lucky are those who create such a attitude with theor spouses. But I am sure most of us fail and that is why we have this heart breaking fights and arguments and days of sulking thereafter. We just want to be the perfect spouse. But how many of us ever think after marriage that we need to be the perfect children, the perfect daughter-in-law, the perfect other so & so ? We rally don't because most of us attribute the success and failures of our personal self with our marriages. We really don't look at the broader picture. We take extra extra care for the things to so with our spouses, we get into the details and miss out on the broader view of things and at the end fail msierably. :) Thats the irony of the entire thing. The quote "harwork pays" miserably fails in this case. It doesn't really pay but makes us more self conscious.
So now that we know what the issue is, how do we go about to solve the problem? What do we do? I have a dozen of solutions and ways but the fact that how far it might be effective is yet another question. To me I am still not so experienced to comment on them. So leaving the forum open for further discussions or may be I could write some more posts on them. LOL
Coming to the next half of this post, what are the do's & don'ts we need to follow to become the best spouse material? You may not believe that I really did google for something worth to link it up here. :) I think if I run a survey of ask my friends(ofcourse married) for a few of the points I will end up with a huge list for which even a fresh roll of tissue paper will not be sufficient to come to an end of the list. I am sure we all have pur personal list of do's and don'ts to every relationship we have in our lives. And all I can say is this list is not formed in a day, it takes a lifetime to finally come up with a near to perfect list.
So here is something I want to tell the newly wedded couples and to the going-to-be wedded people out there. Do not be in a haste to make a list. Take your time, you have a lifetime ahead to finally come up with a draft. There is no hurry as there is no timelines set and there is noone to judge your list. Its your own and its your personal judgement which is the only thing which comes into picture. And yes, to the conscious part, not being conscious doesn't mean being careless. It means to take just the right amount of care. There is nothing called a perfect relationship, its just the way we visualise it. We set our own standards and work towards it. Its all in us to work around our own expecations and keep a check on them. The best thing is to be flexible and accept the chnages in our own standards and also in the spouse with a smile. And for the women folks out there, a personal tip, consider the fact that "unexpected always happens." :))
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2 comments:
I totally agree... "The unexpected always happens." a perfect statement. No amount of planning, thinking or wanting will take care of the unexpected things...
Suma
Well first off there is no such thing as the perfect anything. This is also in response to your other post....
People have to accept us for who we are. The sign of a perfect relationship is when you can just be yourself (albeit honest, truthful, loving, caring) and your spouse loves you just the way you are. And that takes time as one matures through the relationship and grows with the other person. The other point is that you have to accept the spouse for who they are, blemishes and all. The last point is that someone in the relationship has to be the one in charge, or it won't work - heads will butt constantly. If both are stubborn and unwilling to choose who is to be the one in charge, it makes things extremely difficult for challenging problems and hard decisions. Sure the other's opinion should count and not be ridiculed, but the person who is in charge should be respected for making the ultimate decision. IF and WHEN these things cannot be worked out, even from a friendship standpoint, then perhaps yes it's time to think about moving on. That doesn't mean one or the other is a bad person - it just means they would be happier moving on. To sit stagnant just brings more misery and arguing.
I will add to the friendship post, this one is long enough LOL.
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