1 week ago
Friday, June 05, 2009
The moment's have passed by. I feel ready to pour it out to someone, let down my walls which jails me in these repetitive thoughts..but come morning, the feeling fades. At least I think they have.. and the feeling is good. :) things are achingly clear in the daylight. I think that's why the sunlight is considered to clear. I think it clears the clouds of the night gets the thoughts clearly refined.hmmm...
It's hard, trying to live in the moment, in the moments where I am completely present and mindful of every breath I am taking. I wish I could just continue living in my dreams where everything is so perfect, falling in place without any trouble, no conscious effort. Its as if we get lucky in our dreams. Oh how I love my dream world. This profound moment, the yearning I had, to tell someone everything, tell someone why I am the way that I am, tell that 'someone' my deepest fears and insecurities, tell my story, this moment passed, silently, slipped away from my hands and I can't get it back. I am again there where I was, back to the beginning of the whole game. Yet, there is some sort of hope that I will meet the glorious end, winning against all odds. For now I'll just have to wait and see if it comes back. If it does, it was meant to be. If it doesn't, God forbid, I will still be okay. Saddened, yes, but still, I'll be okay. Its as if I am testing the someone's ways, yet I wish I could manipulate the ways, leading to the results I expect. I am utterly crazy and so will anyone who reads it agree.
All I am trying is not to live in the black and white, but it's so hard to reach the light.. Light that the Sun Brings everyday. I just wish I be colored anything other than blue and sad. How true is this thought, - "The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."
I think love I get and give is enough. Love is enough to get me through this and more. I have love to give. My heart is bursting with love, bursting to the point of breaking with all that brings pain and yet I say its nothing but love in some form or the other which is breaking my heart. With love comes indomitable power. With love comes unbearable pain. But most importantly, with love comes the possibility for infinite happiness. I'm playing with fire, walking a thin line between life and death, and I don't know how to stop myself. Free falling, head first, desperately hoping to land in one piece. Hoping for the hopeless in a way, yet cant stop hoping. Life hangs on hope. Doesn't it for all of us?
I think love I get and give is enough. Love is enough to get me through this and more. I have love to give. My heart is bursting with love, bursting to the point of breaking with all that brings pain and yet I say its nothing but love in some form or the other which is breaking my heart. With love comes indomitable power. With love comes unbearable pain. But most importantly, with love comes the possibility for infinite happiness. I'm playing with fire, walking a thin line between life and death, and I don't know how to stop myself. Free falling, head first, desperately hoping to land in one piece. Hoping for the hopeless in a way, yet cant stop hoping. Life hangs on hope. Doesn't it for all of us?
Beauty in any form has its ways to break the heart, but it also has the power to heal all the pain, the strange, contradictory power to break your spirit and then put it back together when you're not expecting it at all, when you need it most. And its actually a complete range of things that I am feeling now .. a total wide variety of them... And I am back with the old thoughts..which I thought had passed... :(
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