1 week ago
Monday, June 08, 2009
Has it ever occurred to me, why I write? I write – why? It keeps all the loneliness in me from killing me. I am hoping that I can kill the loneliness before it kills me. All I can do is hope, hope and ...and write.
It's amazing how I can be surrounded by family, people I love, close friends, people I am truly invested in, both in thoughts and around me and still feel this biting, stinging loneliness.
Nothing I do, say or whatever happening keeps the loneliness at bay. No matter what I know it's always there, like the air, surrounding me, waiting for the silence to fall so it can grasp my beating heart and squeeze it blood-dry. Why is this feeling so deadly scaring and yet keeping me alive to give me a totally new experience each time they come to me.
And the more I remove myself from a situation, the further I get away from it, they still follow me, haunt me with their unique ways. I always thought that it's so easy to forget the little details but they just wont leave me, they stay and cloud my memory. Wish it rains, and clears this clouds. I cry, thinking that these clouds will be cleared, guess the clouds hold a lot of water which wont get over anytime in near future. There are certain situations, intense, dramatic, intensely subtle, dramatically instantaneous, that don't fade, no matter how hard I wish they would. How much more can I hold, keep deep within and yet live with it all everyday. I wish I could just drop down all the luggage am carrying and relax a while.
I am forgetting the things I want to, I must remember and remember the things I want to, I must forget. Oh Life ! let me out of this trap please. I need a life.. a better one than this. I for sure deserve something better than this. And it's in this paradox, this cliche, that I am trapped.
Trapped willingly or unwillingly? That's the real question. Am I willing myself to remember and live the rough, the bad, the painful, the sad, or is it really out of my control, this randomly selective memory of mine? This experience which life is giving me, is it a gift or a punishment?
Closing on a positive note, being sort of an optimist about things, I conclude this way. In the entire process I just realized that whatever life gives me, I am stuck with it. I really might not like the situation, but I do have a certain amount of power somewhere within me so that I can live life to make it the fullest, richest existence possible, imperfections and all. Most importantly, I realized that my weaknesses or apparent shortcomings are sometimes the things that distinguish me, comprise my unique personality, essentially becoming my strengths. A person who is very stubborn or hard-nosed can turn his or her stubbornness into initiative, drive, and powerful focus. A person who feels the need to please everyone can turn his or her inability to say no into balanced kindness and compassion. I don't know if I’m making any sense to the one reading this, but to me, I feel deep inside like this and this is completely true. I have to tell myself this a lot lately. I have to tell myself that I can't transform who I am, but I can make things better, beginning with accepting myself and turning my weaknesses into my strengths. I think that if I tell myself this enough, I might begin to start believing it. Do I believe in anything? Good Day and hoping to have a pleasant week at work and more importantly, mentally !
It's amazing how I can be surrounded by family, people I love, close friends, people I am truly invested in, both in thoughts and around me and still feel this biting, stinging loneliness.
Nothing I do, say or whatever happening keeps the loneliness at bay. No matter what I know it's always there, like the air, surrounding me, waiting for the silence to fall so it can grasp my beating heart and squeeze it blood-dry. Why is this feeling so deadly scaring and yet keeping me alive to give me a totally new experience each time they come to me.
And the more I remove myself from a situation, the further I get away from it, they still follow me, haunt me with their unique ways. I always thought that it's so easy to forget the little details but they just wont leave me, they stay and cloud my memory. Wish it rains, and clears this clouds. I cry, thinking that these clouds will be cleared, guess the clouds hold a lot of water which wont get over anytime in near future. There are certain situations, intense, dramatic, intensely subtle, dramatically instantaneous, that don't fade, no matter how hard I wish they would. How much more can I hold, keep deep within and yet live with it all everyday. I wish I could just drop down all the luggage am carrying and relax a while.
I am forgetting the things I want to, I must remember and remember the things I want to, I must forget. Oh Life ! let me out of this trap please. I need a life.. a better one than this. I for sure deserve something better than this. And it's in this paradox, this cliche, that I am trapped.
Trapped willingly or unwillingly? That's the real question. Am I willing myself to remember and live the rough, the bad, the painful, the sad, or is it really out of my control, this randomly selective memory of mine? This experience which life is giving me, is it a gift or a punishment?
Closing on a positive note, being sort of an optimist about things, I conclude this way. In the entire process I just realized that whatever life gives me, I am stuck with it. I really might not like the situation, but I do have a certain amount of power somewhere within me so that I can live life to make it the fullest, richest existence possible, imperfections and all. Most importantly, I realized that my weaknesses or apparent shortcomings are sometimes the things that distinguish me, comprise my unique personality, essentially becoming my strengths. A person who is very stubborn or hard-nosed can turn his or her stubbornness into initiative, drive, and powerful focus. A person who feels the need to please everyone can turn his or her inability to say no into balanced kindness and compassion. I don't know if I’m making any sense to the one reading this, but to me, I feel deep inside like this and this is completely true. I have to tell myself this a lot lately. I have to tell myself that I can't transform who I am, but I can make things better, beginning with accepting myself and turning my weaknesses into my strengths. I think that if I tell myself this enough, I might begin to start believing it. Do I believe in anything? Good Day and hoping to have a pleasant week at work and more importantly, mentally !
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